Monday, March 31, 2014

Monday

(I bought the kids a dog.)

Yesterday, I walked five miles to church.  Trust me.  I need the exercise.  I'm a disgusting fat body.  The service was quite good. We focused on Matthew 6.  The only thing I dislike about the Sunday sermons is the music.  We sing and sing and sing. Sometimes, I feel like I'm at a Deep Purple concert.

I took my family to the cinema. Let me tell you people something. Captain America is absolutely fantastic. The basic premise is that the average Joe Meatball has traded his liberty for security.  The script is tight and crisp.  The acting is marvelous. And Robert Redford makes a great super-villain.  His performance is definitely Oscar-worthy. If you decide to view the film, make sure you stay past the credits. There's a terrific preview concerning the next installment.

We went to an all-you-can-eat pork buffet.  The meal was delicious. My boys have huge appetites. As a father, it's nice to sit back and watch them stuff their faces with food.  No big surprise. They're my legacy and carry my name.

The Children of the Rice asked me for a poodle. But the Dragon Lady used to eat dogs back in the day.  Her family would serve them in a soup.  I told the kids that their mother has no love for the canine species.  According to my wife, man's best friend is about as charming as a chicken.  Therefore, it would behoove our clan to stick to gold fish.

However, my boys refused to be dissuaded.  So poor old smith finally caved.  I spent six hundred dollars on a new pet.  We've named the beast Sarah.  She's quite small and whimpers in her sleep.  I really need my head examined.  Dogs suck giant ass.  I hated cleaning their shit and piss even as a kid.  I deserve some type of award for being a marvelous father.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Dope Show by Marilyn Manson.  God bless.          

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Thursday

(Larry Fishburne gave me a stern lecture.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady went to Homeplus.  She brought a large pepperoni pizza back to our shabby tenement.  The meal was quite good.  Junk food never fails to please me.  I washed the vittles down with several large glasses of coke.  I no longer have any passion for beer.  I don't know why.  Probably because Korean beer sucks.  Plus the imported stuff costs a fortune.

I downloaded another episode of Reign.  Poor old Smith is hooked. It looks as if I really am half-a-fag.  Sebastian's sister gives birth while surrounded by blood-thirsty pagans.  However, it turns out that the French king's handsome bastard has a lot of pagan friends on the payroll.  So his knowledge of averting human sacrifice saves the day.  He proceeds to lecture Queen Mary about the importance of religious tolerance.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  It's not like I'm some filthy nihilist. I try to obey Jesus.  Why?  He got nailed to a tree and came back from the dead.  I'd be an idiot not to listen.

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I now keep a pen and paper by my bed in order to record my dreams.  I had a nightmare about being the leader of a cult.  I even took a young teenager as a bride.  I was later arrested and sent to prison by the actor Laurence Fishburne. He gave me quite the stern lecture.

I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  Many Korean dogs have contracted avian influenza.  However, the powers-that-be are warning us all not to panic.  Canines can't spread the disease. Well, that's certainly good news.  I'm too busy to get sick.

I turned on Fox News.  The Five are still talking about Hobby Lobby.  They think the company will win the case.  I'm not so sure. Obama always seems to get what he wants.  Many compare him to Jimmy Carter.  But, in my opinion, he has a lot more in common with Richard Nixon.  Hubris, hubris, hubris.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Motherless Child by Richie Havens.  God bless.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Wednesday

(Korean beef is delicious.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady prepared steak and French fries for dinner.  The meal was delicious.  Korean beef is some of the finest in the world.  Yet it remains quite the secret.  The ROK is really missing a chance to brand itself to the western world.  

I washed my vittles down with Coke.  I'm a big fan of sugary soft-drinks.  I'll probably expire in the near future.  In fact, I can hear ass cancer whispering my name at this very moment. Smith. Smith. Smith.  Oh, well.  Nobody's going to live forever.

I downloaded The Walking Dead.  The show completely jumped the shark.  Three children were murdered by other humans in this particular episode. Talk about a downer.  I have no idea what the writers were thinking.  Nobody tunes into a zombie program to witness rug-rats getting greased.  On the contrary.  We watch to escape the grim realities of our own lives for a moment or two. Those bastards harshed my buzz.  I might quit the series forever.  I shit you not.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  It's not like I'm some filthy atheist. 

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I've been quite tired lately.  Perhaps I'm coming down with some type of deadly influenza virus.  I had a dream about my late father.  He said that he'd continue to live on in my memory.  It was a nice experience.  My sleep is usually haunted by chilling nightmares.  My demons have demons.

I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  There was a recent Ebola outbreak in Africa.  Fifty-nine people were killed by the disease.  They died with blood leaking out of all their orifices. It can't be easy being African.  If the exotic maladies don't claim your life, then you still have the death squads and hungry lions to fret about.

I turned on Fox News.  The Five discussed the Hobby Lobby taking their contraceptive complaint to the Supreme Court.   The corporation is willing to pay the birth control tab for their employees.  However, it doesn't want to dole out money to cover the cost of the morning-after pill.  I stand on the side of the company.  The morning-after pill is abortion.  Plain and simple.  If you want to exterminate your fetus, then go sell lemonade to raise the coin.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Holiday by Nazareth. God bless.    

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Tuesday

(Messi schools Ronaldo...again.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady prepared beef and French fries for dinner.  The meal was delicious.  I'm a big fan of starch.  I dipped my vittles in A-1 Steak Sauce.  Then I washed it all down with several glasses of Coke.  The whole experience was glorious.

I viewed Reign.  It's a series meant to attract teenage girls.  But poor old Smith is hooked.  Perhaps I'm half-a-fag.  Nothing would surprise me at this point in my life.  Mary breaks off her engagement with the prince of France.  Now the young queen is set to tie the knot with the French king's handsome bastard.  His name is Sebastian.

I paid homage to Christ. I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise. I refuse to babble like a pagan.  

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I had a strange nightmare about being in the Marine Corps.  I can't remember the details.  I just know that I wasn't very popular with the men.  I spent most of the dream running for my life.

I woke up at six a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  Barcelona defeated Real Madrid in a tense nail-biter.  Lionel Messi scored a hat-trick to seal the match 4 to 3.  Messi is a perpetual thorn in the side of Ronaldo.  Their rivalry is the stuff of legend.

I turned on Fox News.  The Five are skeptical about the fate of Malaysian Flight 370.  They don't believe that the plane is at the bottom of the Indian Ocean.  Greg Gutfeld kept rambling on about American exceptionalism.  The man's a boob. 

Trust me.  That plane is lying in pieces on the ocean floor.  Furthermore, the bodies of the victims shall never be recovered.  Those sad unfortunate bastards are nothing but lifeless fish food.  Oh, well.  At least they didn't die of ass cancer.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Self Portrait by Rainbow.  God bless.     

Monday, March 24, 2014

Monday

(Noah bites the big one.)

Yesterday, I walked to church.  It was a five mile jaunt.  But that's OK.  I need the exercise.  The service is held in a bar/restaurant. We have several ordained pastors who lead the flock.  I usually just pretend to listen.  I'm quite good at smiling and nodding my head in a thoughtful manner. 

The guest lecturer was a former North Korean refugee.  He talked about being tortured as a young man.  One of his friends actually had his arm chopped off by his own mother.  She used his severed appendage to nourish the family.  I shit you not.  In fact, our speaker crossed into China for the food. He now attends a popular university in the ROK.  The government is picking up the tab for his tuition.  North Koreans get a lot of financial benefits.

I took the family for pizza.  Then we went to the cinema and watched Noah.  The film stars Russel Crowe in the title role.  I didn't relish the experience.  The writers completely screwed up the story.  They turned the biblical classic into a misguided fantasy/action flick.  To make matters worse, there was a touch of new-age humanism mixed into the fetid broth.  Yuck.  I was very disappointed.

We walked back to our Soviet-style concrete tenement.  I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  I refuse to babble like a pagan. Furthermore, I begged Jesus to forgive Russel Crowe for starring in such a piss-poor stinker.  I want a refund.  

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I didn't dream.  I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  Ryu Hyun-jin pitched five scoreless innings for the Los Angeles Dodgers.  The squad defeated the Arizona Diamondbacks seven to six.  Both teams are currently competing down-under in Australia.

I turned on Fox News.  The pundits are finally admitting that Malaysian Flight 370 is at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. About freaking time.  Some of the news coverage has been downright shameful.  Nothing but baseless speculation.  I've heard everything from aliens to black holes.  Talk about a load of shit.

Anyway, let's listen to the song du jour.  Here's Aenema by Tool. God bless.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Saturday

(Pastor Fred Phelps is dead.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady prepared pork and French fries for dinner.  The meal was delicious.  My family eats a lot of pig.  We'd never make it as Jews or Muslims.  I washed the vittles down with a large glass of Coke.  I'm not long for this world.  But who really cares?  Nobody's going to miss me.

One of my favorite hobbies is visiting Zero Hedge.  It's a website populated by idolaters.  Many of the users bombard poor old Smith with negative comments.  All that attention makes me giddy.  Tragically, however, the moderators burned my favorite account.  National Blessing is now dead and gone.  Let's honor his memory with a moment of silence.

I watched the latest episode of Vikings.  Ragnar returns home in an attempt to regain his land.  He's reunited with his first wife and eldest child.  Meanwhile, Athelsten stays in England to help his pagan friends negotiate a good deal with the British king.  He's eventually captured and crucified as a heretic.  But the English monarch saves Athelsten's bacon just in the knick of time, ordering the bishop to release the bruised and bloodied priest from his cross.  Talk about high drama.

I paid homage to Christ.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  It's not like I'm some filthy nihilist.  I often appreciate the depravity present in the bible.  The city of Sodom is destroyed for sexual sin.  Yet Lot--favored by the one true God--survives.  He heads to some nearby caves with his teenaged daughters.  He later gets drunk and impregnates them both.  See the irony?  We are slaves to our own base nature.  And it's Jesus who releases us from our chains.

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I didn't dream.  I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  The homophobic preacher Fred Phelps recently died of complications from old age.  He was famous for holding protest marches at the funerals of American soldiers and blaming their deaths on homosexual depravity.  Are gays depraved?  Probably.  But aren't we all a little twisted?

I turned on Fox News.  O'Reilly's upset about the conspiracy theories swirling around the disappearance of Malaysian Flight 370.  CNN even hired a psychic to give her take on the fate of the passengers.  I agree wholeheartedly with Bill.  We don't need this crazy speculation about aliens and black holes.  Especially since we know the truth.  Those unfortunate souls are now fish food lying at the bottom of the Indian Ocean.  Case closed.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Tales of Brave Ulysses by Cream.  God bless.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Friday

(King Melchizedek blesses Abraham.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady cooked ribs for dinner.  She smothered them in tangy barbecue sauce.  The meal was delicious. I washed the vittles down with several large glasses of Coke.  My family eats a lot of pork.  Beef is very expensive here in the ROK.

I downloaded Justified.  It stars Tim Olyphant.  He used to play the sheriff in a show called Deadwood.  Olyphant has oodles and oodles of charisma.  Plus he can deftly slip back and forth between drama and comedy.  I'm surprised he never became a full-fledged movie star.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  It's not like I'm some filthy atheist. One of the strangest characters in the bible is Melchizedek.  He's mentioned in both Genesis and Hebrews.  I often wonder if this ancient king is Jesus, himself.  I tend to lean that way.  Jesus appears throughout the Old Testament.  He's just never called by his human name.

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I had another strange nightmare about high school.  The principal yelled at me because I didn't do well on a physics exam.  Yet I never took physics as a teenager.  Poor old Smith was far too stupid for advanced science.  I barely graduated.

I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  Manchester United won a game in Champions League.  Everyone is surprised.  The squad isn't doing too well since Sir Alex's departure.  I don't know much about soccer.  I find the sport quite boring.

I turned on Fox News.  Strange debris has been located in the Indian Ocean.  The Australian government believes its the scant remains of Malaysian Flight 370.  The bodies will probably never be recovered.  All the passengers will end up as fish food.  Oh, well. There are worse ways to go.  For instance, ass cancer will be the death of me. Nothing poetic about that.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's My Sharona by The Knack.  God bless.  

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Thursday

(Reign seems quite childish.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady prepared beef and French fries for dinner.  The meal was good.  I'm a huge fan of starch.  I dipped the fries in steak sauce.  They tasted tangy.  

I washed the vittles down with several glasses of Coke.  I used to drink alcohol.  But I've given up my evil ways.  I'm doing my best to stay alive.  Why?  I have two young boys who need a father.  I want to make it another twenty years in order to give them a healthy start in life. Then the holy angels can zap me with ass cancer for all I care.

I downloaded a series called Reign.  It's about Mary Queen of Scots.  The first episode seemed rather childish.  Perhaps the show is geared toward teenagers.  The actress who plays the title role is very cute.  She has beautiful dark features.  However, she's young enough to be my daughter.  I'll try another episode tonight. If the program fails to grab me, I'll throw it to the wind.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  It's not like I'm some filthy atheist. I've been reading Exodus.  One of my favorite parts is when God decides to kill Moses for not having Gershom circumcised.  The problem?  Moses's Midian wife Zipporah is unfamiliar with Abraham's covenant.  She finally saves her husband's life by cutting off her son's foreskin and touching Moses's feet with the blood. Good stuff.

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I had a nightmare about falling off a mountain.  I was scared to death.  I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  Many Korean students are abusing ADHD drugs in order to get better scores on tests.  These narcotics help them concentrate.  The whole idea seems rather sick to me.  Their ambition knows no bounds.

I turned on Fox News.  The Five talked about American exceptionalism.  I love my country.  But what a bunch of bullshit. We don't finish first in anything these days.  Our citizens have short life spans.  Our public schools suck ass.  Plus our medical care is for the birds.  I hate to sound negative.  Yet I cannot tell a lie.  The only things we excel at are killing people and producing pornography.  Who knows?  Maybe that's enough.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Punch the Clock by Elvis Costello.  God bless.         

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Wednesday

(Floki is a godless sadist.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady had to work late.  So poor old Smith was put in charge of the cooking.  I prepared spicy pork and white rice for me and the kids.  The meal was delicious.  I washed the vittles down with several large glasses of Coke.  The Children of the Rice, however, aren't allowed to enjoy sugary drinks.  They settled for water instead.

I downloaded the latest episode of Vikings.  It was very exciting. The godless pagans return to England and cause much havoc. Floki captures a priest and tortures the man with arrows.  He gleefully shoots him in his arms and legs.  Finally, the sorry son-of-a-bitch is put out of his misery by having his throat cut.  The world is filled with sadists and greed-heads.  Being on the right team is extremely important.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  I refuse to live my life like a forsaken nihilist.  I need a code.  One of my favorite passages in the bible is Exodus 2.  Moses murders an Egyptian.  However, he isn't accepted by his fellow Hebrews.  In fact, he has to go and live as a shepherd for many years before gaining the authority to become a legitimate leader.

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I had a horrible nightmare.  I was trapped in a deep dark cave with very little oxygen.  My mother was with me.  We were both convinced that our deaths were imminent.  I never have any good dreams.  Even my demons have demons.  

I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  The Philadelphia 76ers have lost 21 games in a row.  That's quite a streak.  When I was a kid, the team was bad-ass, featuring talented players such as Andrew Toney and Julius Erving.  They even won a championship. What happened?

I turned on Fox News.  The citizens of the Crimean Peninsula voted overwhelmingly to become Russian.  Europe and the United States believe the outcome is illegal.  My opinion?  The entire matter isn't worth a single drop of American blood.  We have too many irons in the fire as things stand now.  Let's mind our own freaking business and hand this boondoggle over to the Euro-trash.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Helena by My Chemical Romance.  God bless.   

Monday, March 17, 2014

Monday

(Liam Neeson looks great for his age.)

Yesterday, I took my family to McDonald's for a late lunch.  I ate a Big Mac and a large order of French fries.  I also had a huge glass of Coke.  The whole meal was super-sized.  I'm a big fan of junk food.  Massive caloric intake makes me feel like a million bucks. Living a healthy lifestyle is for pussies.  I much prefer flirting with death.

We went to the cinema and watched Non-Stop.  The film stars Liam Neeson as an alcoholic air marshal.  There's a terrorist on a plane clandestinely killing passengers with poison darts.  The movie is very exciting.  Sadly, however, my bladder isn't what it used to be. I have to piss like a racehorse on the hour.  I probably missed many breathtaking scenes due to my weakness.  

Neeson is a great actor. Did you know that the guy is 61-years-old? He looks terrific. Furthermore, I bet he can go for days without having to drain his lizard.  Meanwhile, poor old Smith is falling apart. Genetics is a bitch.  Oh, well.  I refuse to shed tears over a few drops of urine and some leaky plumbing. Nobody said life was going to be easy.

We returned to our Soviet-style concrete tenement.  I downloaded the latest UFC matches.  I enjoy watching men kick the shit out of each other.  I'm a bastard that way.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  I refuse to babble like a pagan.

I went to sleep at 10 p.m.  I didn't dream.  I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  Korean universities are no longer hiring sex offenders.  Some professors have been caught harassing their female students.  In the future, these men shall be fired.  The best policy is to keep Mr. Johnson in your pants.  He can get you into a heap of trouble.

I turned on Fox News.  Malaysian Flight 370 has the entire world puzzled.  Some experts believe that the plane will be converted into a missile to use against the west.  I refuse to speculate.  The situation is too confusing.  However, I'm still hopeful that the passengers are alive.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Big Balls by AC/DC. God bless.  

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Sunday

(Above Suspicion is pretty good.)

Yesterday, I took the family to a restaurant for dinner.  We had barbecue beef cooked over red-hot coals.  In Korea, the food is prepared right in front of the customers.  This particular establishment offers free soft drinks.  So I drank a gallon of pineapple Fanta.

I noticed something about my eldest boy James-uh.  He's turning into quite the little asshole.  He rude.  He's moody.  Plus he smells bad.  I suppose that's normal for a thirteen-year-old boy.  However, I'm beginning to understand why the Dragon Lady often feels the urge to kick his butt around the block.

Make no mistake.  I don't believe in corporal punishment.  But let's be perfectly honest.  Poor old Smith is a liberal pussy.  I'm against the death penalty.  I'm against abortion.  I'm against war.  I'm against violence.  Yada, yada, yada.  Perhaps I need to be more old school and give the kid a good crack across the mouth.  Trust me.  John Wayne wouldn't put up with his bullshit.  So why should I?  Being a parent is often very confusing.

We walked back to our Soviet-style concrete tenement.  I watched a British police show called Above Suspicion.  Limey melodrama usually doesn't float my boat.  After all, Smith is a brash Yank.  And I'm simply not smart enough to understand the sophisticated jokes.  Yet this series is quite compelling.  It doesn't have that supercilious Masterpiece Theater aura hovering over it.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  It's not like I'm some filthy atheist. 

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I didn't dream.  I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  Four people were hacked to death with knives in southern China.  The government is blaming the murders on Islamic extremists.  I'm not surprised.  Muslims are crazy. They'll be the death of us all.

I walked five miles to church.  I need the exercise.  I'm a disgusting fat-body.  Our congregation has a band.  They played for thirty minutes.  After that, the pastor spoke about Jesus.  He's an evangelical Christian while I prefer liberation theology.  Nevertheless, he's a great guy who sincerely does the Lord's work.  I'm very fortunate to know him.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's All These Things That I Have Done by The Killers.  God bless.  

Friday, March 14, 2014

Friday

(Criminal Minds infects me like a sickness.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady went to Dunkin Donuts.  She brought home lots and lots of pastry.  I stuffed my face like a fleshy senator at a Roman orgy.  Then I washed it all down with several glasses of Coke.  The meal took ten years off my life.  But who cares?  We all have to die some time.

I downloaded another episode of Criminal Minds.  I'm a huge fan. It's the sickest show on television.  A psychopath works for a pest control company.  He kidnaps several innocent victims and cages them in dog kennels.  Then he infects them with rabies so that he can watch them go crazy and die.  I sat there mesmerized as if I were a deer caught in the headlights of an 18-wheel truck.  I couldn't move.  No kidding.  Perhaps I need to see a psychiatrist.

I paid homage to Christ.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees. No big surprise.  It's not like I'm some filthy atheist. In Exodus, Pharaoh commands the midwives to kill the newborn Hebrew males. However, the midwives disobey the government because they fear God more than they fear the state.  And that's why I'm attracted to religion. It's all about the anarchy.  The Father comes first, and the powers-that-be are relegated to a distant second. Hallelujah.

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I had another nightmare about high school. I sat in a diner eating pancakes and drinking cola.  I had to take a big exam.  Yet I didn't care.  My friends kept warning me that I would never graduate.  But I just kept stuffing my face.  Try to figure that one out.

I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  There has been a steep incline in the amount of sexual crimes against children here in the ROK.  However, forty percent of the offenders aren't serving jail time.  They've been placed on probation instead.

I turned on Fox News.  The Five discussed the mysterious disappearance of Malaysian Flight 370.  They think the plane might now be sitting in Pakistan.  I hope so.  Talk about great news for the families of the missing.  I hate to speculate on what actually happened.  I have no clue.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Down With the Sickness by Disturbed.  God bless.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Thursday

(Criminal Minds is the sickest show on television.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady had to work late.  So I prepared spicy pork and white rice for my children.  I did a fantastic job.  I'm turning into a real culinary genius.  The meat was very hot.  Our tongues were on fire.  In fact, we had to kill an entire bottle of Pepsi in order to extinguish the flames.  I enjoy Coke much better. But Pepsi was on sale at E-mart.  The Dragon Lady loves a bargain.

I downloaded Criminal Minds.  It's truly the sickest show on television.  The latest episode takes place in Las Vegas.  A young woman is murdered in an underground storm tunnel by a psychopath named Caesar.  He ties her to the floor, and she eventually drowns.  Caesar is controlled by an elderly wannabe magician. This grifter keeps taxing the homeless so that he can buy stage time at a casino. I sat completely enthralled.  Perhaps I'm retarded.

I paid homage to Christ.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees. No big surprise.  I refuse to live my life like some dirty misanthrope. Jonah is commanded to save the citizens of Nineveh. But he hates Assyrians.  So he becomes angry at God's compassion. When the city is saved, Jonah is overcome by bitterness.  He would rather associate with plants than people.  We never want to fall into such a negative trap.  It's important to remain social.

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I had a nightmare.  I was back in high school, and I couldn't get my locker open.  The teachers were angry.  I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  An author named Dave Barry wrote a book.  It's called You're Not Allowed to Date Until You're Forty.  I've never heard of Dave Barry.  And I have zero desire to read his crap.  But maybe he's popular in Korea. I don't know.

I turned on Fox News.  The Five talked smack about the Affordable Healthcare Act.  They said there is no way in hell that seven million people will sign up before the end of the month.  My opinion?  Obama's plan sucks ass.  All it does is raise premiums on the working class. One must be completely down and out to receive any benefits. We need health care for everybody.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Street Fighting Man by the Rolling Stones.  God bless.

News You Can Use

(An important message from your fearless leader.)

Good citizens of Metropolis!  It is me--your cruel overlord.  I bring glad tidings.  Do you have a website or blog that you would like to promote?  Then look no further.  I would certainly be glad to help. Just leave the address in the comments section of this post. I will give you a link with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. No need to thank me.  I'm wonderful that way. God bless.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Wednesday

(Spaghetti Face is a great antagonist.  He's pure evil.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady made chicken ass and French fries for dinner.  The meal was outstanding.  My wife is the chicken ass queen.  I washed the vittles down with several glasses of Coke. Sometimes, in the deepest dark of night, I can actually feel the decay eating away at my poor choppers.  There's no escaping entropy.  You can run, but you can't hide.

I downloaded the season finale of True Detective.  What a great series.  The child murderer Spaghetti Face comes very close to killing both protagonists.  One investigator gets a butcher knife in the belly while the other is struck down with an ax. We live in a fallen world where we often feel surrounded by unspeakable evil. True Detective reminds us of how frail we actually are.  Trust me. The show will definitely grab you by the short hairs.  Give it a try.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  It's not like I'm some filthy materialist who worships at the feet of the Golden Calf.  Yet I didn't get into Christianity for personal salvation.  Rather it's the anarchy which has always attracted me. Putting God above money and government is my cup of tea.  I'm probably just a forsaken hell-bound reprobate.  But what's a boy to do?

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I didn't dream.  I woke up at 5:30 a.m and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  The asteroid that killed the dinosaurs also created a shitload of acid rain.  In fact, so much atmospheric corrosion was produced that the oceans eventually died off.  Talk about pollution!  Even the Chinese aren't capable of that type of damage.

I turned on Fox News.  The Five talked smack about the president. Why?  He appeared on an internet comedy show to promote the Affordable Healthcare Act.  I'm not a big fan of Obama.  His social policies don't go far enough.  I want a rise in minimum wage and universal medical coverage for the smelly unwashed masses. Nevertheless, the man has good comic instincts.  Maybe I'm crazy. But he makes me laugh every now and then.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Tangerine by Led Zeppelin.  God bless.      

Monday, March 10, 2014

Monday

(Saul Alvarez is a bad ass.)

Yesterday, I walked to church.  It was a five mile jaunt.  But I'm not complaining. I need the exercise.  Poor old Smith is a fat man with a pot belly and corroded choppers.  I'm a mess.  When I look at myself naked in the mirror, I often cry like a woman.  Perhaps I should join a gym.  Sadly, however, I can't see the point.  It's a losing battle.  I'd rather eat pretzels.   

The Sunday service is held in a bar/restaurant.  We tend to sing a lot.  A bearded dude from Texas strums the guitar while his wife croons the hymns.  We also have a bongo player and a keyboardist. It's all very hip and contemporary.  I'm an uptight aging white guy. So I just mouth the words and pretend to dance. Nobody seems to notice my lack of enthusiasm.

I took the family to a restaurant for pizza.  The food was quite good. The Children of the Rice eat a lot of grub.  The amount of money I spend on vittles is atrocious.  Talk about scary.  We don't have two nickels to rub together.  In fact, I might have to sell my pretty ass in order to cover the monthly nut.  Times are that hard.

We went to the cinema and watched Twelve Years a Slave.  What a depressing film.  The Dragon Lady couldn't stop sobbing.  The protagonist is beaten, hanged, ridiculed, and then beaten some more just for kicks. One of his lady friends is separated from her children. Another of his lady friends is whipped within an inch of her life over a bar of soap.  The theme of the movie?  White people suck giant ass.

We returned to our Soviet-style concrete tenement.  I downloaded the Canelo Alvarez fight.  Alvarez spent ten rounds beating the living shit out of a fighter named Alfredo Angulo.  I really thought he was going to end up killing the guy.  Thankfully, the ref stopped the bout before Angulo was seriously injured.  The crowd booed.  

Anyway, it's time for the song of the day.  Here's Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne.  God bless.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Sunday

(Madds Mikkelson and Larry Fishburne duke it out.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady went shopping at E-Mart.  She brought home two pepperoni pizzas in large cardboard boxes.  The meal was quite good.  I love eating junk.  I washed down my vittles with several glasses of Coke.  I'll be dead soon.  A stroke will eventually take me out.  I just hope the experience isn't too unpleasant.  I don't enjoy pain.  It hurts like a bitch.

I downloaded Hannibal.  The latest episode features a great fight between Madds Mikkelson and Larry Fishburne.  I used to think that Anthony Hopkins was the authentic Dr. Lecter.  Not anymore.  Mikkelson is amazing.  Sir Anthony doesn't even rate a close second.  The strange-looking Dane is the creepiest guy on television.  He reminds me of Bram Stoker.  He's that talented.  Now listen to me closely.  I'm about to tell you the honest truth.  Anyone who refuses to watch this show is a pathetic fag.  Case closed.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  I refuse to live my life like a filthy atheist.  But don't get me wrong.  I'm not one of those Christians who condemns homosexuals.  Nor do I rant and rave about the planet being six thousand years old.  However, I shed no tears when the occasional abortionist gets murdered.  I believe there's an ongoing holocaust against unborn children.  Perhaps I'm a Neanderthal.  I truly don't know. 

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I didn't dream.  I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  Paul McCartney might be coming to Korea.  The powers-that-be are trying to convince Sir Paul to play a gig in Seoul.  I'm a huge Beatles fan.  My favorite album is Sergeant Pepper.  It changed the entire world.  Yet I absolutely hate rock concerts.  I had a bad experience years ago at a Metallica show when some teenager broke my nose with the back of his head.  I'll be staying home, thank you very much.

I turned on Fox News.  Rand Paul won the CPAC straw poll.  Big deal.  The Kentucky senator has zero chance of garnering the 2016 republican presidential nomination. There's something cruel about unfettered capitalism.  The notion sounds great on paper.  But if you left the world to Rand and Ron, losers like me would all go hungry.  I believe in food stamps for the needy and national healthcare for everybody.  Poor old Smith is a dirty communist.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Band On the Run by Paul McCartney.  God bless.  

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Saturday

(Gregory Peck was such an awesome actor.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady made shrimp fajitas for dinner.  The meal was very good.  My wife is the shrimp fajita queen.  I truly believe that seafood is her specialty.  I washed it all down with several glasses of Coke.  My choppers are falling apart due to the sugar in my diet.  But a man must have some pleasures in life. I've given up booze and cigarettes.  Am I supposed to deny my sweet-tooth, also?  I think not.

I watched The Boys From Brazil.  The movie is based on a novel by Ira Levin.  He's the same writer who gave us Rosemary's Baby. Sir Laurence Olivier plays a Nazi hunter who discovers that Adolf Hitler has been cloned nearly one hundred times.  Gregory Peck is wonderful as the maniacal Dr. Joseph Mengele.  Peck might be the most underrated performer in the history of the universe.  People don't realize how gifted the man truly was.  He could play either the hero or the heavy with flawless precision.  Not many actors can pull that off.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  It's not like I'm some filthy nihilist. John used the Jordan River to baptize his followers.  Twelve hundred years earlier, Joshua had led the Jews into the Promised Land by crossing that same body of water. He then slaughtered every pagan he could get his hands on, killing men, women, and children quite mercilessly.  Even the animals were put to the sword. John made a lot of people nervous with his pointed use of symbolism.  So Herod had the prophet beheaded.  I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did.

I went to bed at 9:30 p.m.  I slept like a log.  I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  There was an interesting story in the newspaper about a child who accidentally killed his younger brother with a pistol.  The unfortunate boy found his dad's gun.  He didn't think it was real. Now an innocent 8-year-old is dead.  I believe in the 2nd Amendment. But I don't own a weapon.  I'm convinced that my wife would eventually use it to murder me in cold blood.  Better safe than sorry.

I turned on Fox News.  Bill O'Reilly took the day off.  He was replaced by Laura Ingraham.  I'm not her biggest fan.  She reminds me of an angry pilgrim.  Laura interviewed Geraldo.  He believes that marijuana should be legal.  I agree.  Let's legalize all narcotics. Prohibition doesn't work.  If some moron wants to be a heroin addict, then what's it to me?  In fact, give him his junk for free. Free smack is cheaper than prison, and he won't have to steal my television set in order to buy his dope.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's I Know What I Like by Genesis.  God bless.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Friday

(Helix never seems to disappoint.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady made chicken kebabs for dinner.  The meat was smothered with barbecue sauce and impaled on eight inch sticks.  My family eats a lot of poultry because beef is very expensive here in Korea.  I washed my vittles down with several glasses of Coke.  I no longer drink spirits.  I don't miss being a drunkard.  But I still often salivate at the thought of a cigarette.  Oh well. What's a boy to do?

I downloaded the latest episode of Helix.  It's an original series created by the SiFi Channel.  I'm a huge fan of the show.  The setting is a research lab located above the Arctic Circle in Greenland.  The strange Japanese project manager murders his former white lover. He strangles the pale American with a garrote. She struggles mightily, but she just doesn't have the strength to break free.  He finally cuts her head off and sticks it in a jar--which he promptly buries in the snow.  Trust me. The bitch had it coming.

I paid homage to Christ.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees. No big surprise.  I refuse to live my life like some forsaken atheist. I beg for mercy every night.  I just need another twenty years.  God can then strike me down with painful ass cancer.  He'll hear no complaints from me.  Poor old Smith is nothing but a salmon swimming upstream.

I went to bed at 9 p.m.  I didn't dream.  I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee. There was an interesting story in the Korea Times.  Researchers are convinced that a vaccine for AIDS has been discovered.  I shit you not.  Yet the article only got a blurb on the third page of the newspaper.  I'm somewhat confused. You'd think this would merit big headlines. Go figure.

I turned on Fox News.  Many of the republican presidential wannabes appeared at CPAC.  In fact, Rand Paul, Christ Christie, Ted Cruz, and Paul Ryan all delivered speeches to eager enthusiastic right-wing crowds.  Talk about a bunch of losers.  No wonder the conservatives keep getting their asses handed to them. America is a nation of 340 million people. Are these truly the best candidates my country has to offer?  How disappointing.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's God of Thunder by Kiss.  Have a great weekend.  And may the Lord bless you all.    

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Thursday

(Ron Paul believes we should stay out of the Ukraine.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady worked late.  So I prepared Korean beef and French fries for the Children of the Rice.  I really outdid myself.  The food was delicious.  Poor old Smith is becoming quite the accomplished chef.  The boys were in culinary heaven.  We washed our vittles down with an entire bottle of Coke.

Korean beef is very expensive.  But it's also delicious.  I'm surprised the meat isn't exported around the world.  The rich flavor would certainly open a lot of eyes.  The ROK is missing a great opportunity to brand itself.

I downloaded The Walking Dead.  My eldest son James-uh absolutely adores the series.  He never misses an episode. Dealing with a zombie apocalypse doesn't sound half bad to me. For instance, I could throw my wife out the window of our apartment and blame her demise on the out-of-control decomposing freaks roaming the city streets.  I could also start drinking and smoking again.  Why not? Dying of cancer or liver disease is certainly better than being eaten alive by angry monsters.

I paid homage to Christ.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees. No big surprise. I'm not some filthy nihilist. I often ask God for mercy.  I just need to make it another twenty years so that my youngest boy Bluce has a good start in life.  After that, I can waste away from painful ass cancer for all I care.

I went to bed at 9 p.m.  I didn't dream.  I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  A young woman on a Korean reality show was discovered hanging in her hotel closet.  The cops are convinced she committed suicide.  Never regard Asia as a viable alternative to the western way of life.  These folks are joyless. You'd be better off existing in an ant colony.

I turned on Fox News.  Ron Paul appeared with Neil Cavuto.  Ron says that America needs to stay away from the crisis in the Ukraine. I couldn't agree more.  We're already embroiled in two wars.  The last thing we need is to become engaged in a third conflict.  Give the problem to the Germans.  Let the Krauts handle this disaster.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's YMCA by the Village People.  God bless.   

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Wednesday

(LeBron James is the man.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady went for coffee with her friends.  So poor old Smith had to make the evening meal.  I prepared spicy pork and white rice for me and the children.  I did a hell of a job. The food was very tasty.  

I washed my vittles down with a gallon of Coke.  I no longer drink spirits.  Strangely enough, I really enjoy sobriety.  However, I do miss smoking.  There's nothing like a cigarette and a cup of coffee. Mmmmmm.  Now that's living.

I downloaded The Big Bang Theory.  Leonard wants to buy a new dining room table.  But Sheldon prefers eating while sitting on the sofa.  I can't remember how the conflict is resolved.  My mind began to wander halfway through the episode.  

Perhaps I have Alzheimer's Disease.  No kidding.  I'm 45-years-old. Something's going to kill me.  I'll probably die of ass cancer.  In fact, ass cancer runs in my family.  What a way to go.  Luckily, I have health insurance.  The doctors can pump me full of morphine to ease the pain.

My wife came home at 8 p.m.  She immediately started bitching at me and James-uh.  She told us that we both lack respect and appreciation for her considerable hard work in holding the family together.  I nodded my head in an effort to get along.  

Sadly, however, my eldest son regards his mother with complete contempt. He's an American rebel who wants to break free from the Asian yoke of oppression.  I desperately hope their relationship will eventually improve.  But I'm not holding my breath. 

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  I had to use a cushion.  My legs are starting to get stiff due to age.  I feel kind of guilty.  Lately, I've been missing a lot of church.  I'm often bored by the service.  It's difficult to find a pastor with a true sense of pizazz.

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I didn't dream.  I woke up at 6 p.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  LeBron James scored a career high 61 points. Good for him.  He reminds me of Larry Bird.  Larry's career high was 63 points back in the day against the Hawks.

I turned on Fox News.  The Five are still talking about the Ukraine. They tried to compare the current situation to the Cuban Missile Crisis.  What a joke.  Putin taking over the Crimean Peninsula is not an existential threat to the American people.  Let the Euro-trash handle their own business.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Baby Blue by Badfinger.  God bless.  

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Tuesday

(My family eats a lot of pork.)

Yesterday, the Dragon Lady made pork and French fries for dinner. The meal was delicious.  My family eats a lot of pig.  We're also quite fond of chicken.  I washed the vittles down with a gallon of cola. My choppers are in terrible disrepair.  I fear I'm destined to become a toothless hillbilly.

I turned on the television.  I have a 42 inch LG.  It's five years old. A Harrison Ford movie was on the tube.  He plays a cowboy whose son is stolen by aliens.  He goes to war against an entire space-ship in order to reclaim the boy.  The title of the film alludes me.  I'm drawing a blank.  But I will say this.  Harrison Ford is getting old. He looks like a grandfather.

I paid homage to the Christ God.  I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees.  No big surprise.  I'm not some filthy atheist. Poor old Smith needs a code.  I'd never make it as a secular humanist. Life's too much of a kick in the nuts to believe it's all for nothing.  If that's the case, then just shoot me.

I went to bed at 10 p.m.  I had a nightmare about a former boss I had back in New Orleans when I was a teenager.  In the dream, he wanted to beat me up for calling him a bad name.  

I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank several cups of coffee.  Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.  President Bush is in Seoul.  He says the North Korean leadership is evil.  He's right. But Bush is no saint.  He's the one who sent good American boys to die in Iraq under false pretenses.  I hope his mommy's proud.  Ivy League bastard.

I turned on Fox News.  The Five talked about the conflict in the Ukraine.  They claim that Obama is a wimp.  I don't get it.  Are we supposed to start a world war with Russia?  What can the president actually do?  The Crimean Peninsula isn't worth a single drop of American blood.  Let the Euro-scum handle their own problems.

Anyway, it's time for the song du jour.  Here's Flirting With Disaster by Molly Hatchet.  God bless.